I was nonverbal until the age of 10. Imagine having an entire world inside your mind but not being able to express it through spoken words. 💔♾️
For the first 10 years of my life, I couldn’t communicate verbally the way most people could. That didn’t mean I didn’t have thoughts, feelings, opinions, wants, needs, or an understanding of the world around me. It meant that I couldn’t reliably translate what was happening inside my mind into spoken language.
I’m autistic with Level 3 support needs, and one of the biggest misconceptions people have about me is that because I can speak now, my communication difficulties must be behind me.
But learning to speak didn’t magically erase my communication disability.
I think in pictures. My mind processes so much of the world visually rather than through a constant stream of spoken words. When someone talks to me, I may need additional time to process what they’re saying, understand its meaning, and figure out how to respond.
Sometimes I know exactly what I want to communicate, but the words simply aren’t accessible to me.
Imagine knowing what you need but being unable to ask for it.
Imagine feeling overwhelmed, frightened, frustrated, or uncomfortable but being unable to explain why.
Imagine people asking you questions and expecting immediate verbal answers when your brain is struggling to organize a response.
Imagine having people assume you don’t understand something simply because you cannot respond in the way they expect.
That is part of the reality of living with a significant communication disability.
I’m also a gestalt language processor, which means my language development and processing involve learning and using larger chunks of language, such as phrases, scripts, and familiar expressions, rather than always building sentences word by word.
For me, language isn’t always something that comes naturally or effortlessly. Sometimes a familiar phrase is easier to access than creating an entirely new sentence. Sometimes I need more time to process language, and sometimes the words I want to say don’t come out the way I intended.
My brain doesn’t always organize language the way other people expect it to.
And that’s incredibly frustrating.
People often confuse being nonspeaking with having nothing to say. Those are two completely different things.
Just because someone cannot speak doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking.
Just because someone doesn’t respond doesn’t mean they aren’t listening.
Just because someone uses alternative communication doesn’t mean their thoughts are less meaningful.
And just because someone eventually develops speech doesn’t mean they no longer experience significant communication challenges.
I carry my AAC device with me because my ability to speak isn’t always reliable. There are times when my speech regresses, and I need another way to communicate.
Imagine spending years learning how to speak, only to experience moments when that ability becomes inaccessible again.
Imagine how frightening and isolating it can feel when people are accustomed to hearing your voice and suddenly expect you to continue speaking when you physically or neurologically cannot manage it.
My speech is an ability that can fluctuate. It is not something I can always depend on.
One of the hardest parts is that people judge my level of disability based on how well I communicate during a particular moment.
If I can hold a conversation, they assume I’m high-functioning.
If I can write a detailed social media post, they assume I have no significant communication difficulties.
If I can explain my experiences through writing, they assume I should be able to communicate just as effectively through speech.
But written communication and spoken communication are not the same thing.
Being able to write my thoughts does not mean I can consistently speak them.
My ability to express myself through writing doesn’t erase the years I spent without functional speech, the communication challenges I continue to experience, or the substantial support I require.
And thinking in pictures doesn’t mean my thoughts are empty or simplistic. My mind can be full of images, memories, emotions, associations, and ideas that are difficult to put into words.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t knowing what I want to say. It’s finding a way to make other people understand what is already happening inside my mind.
I wish more people understood that communication is so much bigger than spoken language.
Communication can happen through an AAC device, gestures, facial expressions, body language, writing, pictures, or other forms of expression.
A voice is not the only way to have something important to say.
I spent the first decade of my life without being able to communicate verbally in the way people expected. That experience is part of my story, and it continues to shape how I experience the world today.
I’m grateful that I developed speech, but I refuse to let people use my ability to speak as evidence that my autism isn’t severe.
I’m still autistic.
I still have significant communication challenges.
I still experience regression.
I still need substantial support.
And I still deserve patience, understanding, and access to communication in whatever form works for me.
Please don’t mistake silence for a lack of intelligence. Don’t mistake delayed responses for a lack of understanding. And don’t mistake the ability to speak for the absence of a disability.
If you meet a nonspeaking autistic person, don’t assume there is nothing going on inside their mind.
If you meet an autistic person who uses AAC, respect their communication as much as you would respect spoken words.
And if you meet someone like me who developed speech later in childhood, understand that becoming verbal doesn’t necessarily mean communication has become easy.
I was nonverbal until I was 10 years old. I have a voice now, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped struggling to use it.
My thoughts have always mattered, even when I couldn’t speak them.
I had a mind before I had a voice. I had feelings before I had words. And I was always a person worthy of being heard, even in silence. ❤️♾️
#ActuallyAutistic #Level3Autism #NonverbalAutism #NonspeakingAutism #GestaltLanguageProcessor #AACAwareness #AutismAcceptance #CommunicationDisability #HighSupportNeedsAutism #DisabilityAdvocacy
