Hey everyone, I want to first start out by saying sorry for my lack of consistency in publishing my blog posts. My last post was back in April. I really told myself that I was going to start posting weekly but obviously it didn’t happen and I hope you all will understand why I’ve been so off track.
If you recall my last blog post from April, I talked about autistic burnout. If you’d like to read that post, click here. If you don’t know what autistic burnout is, then I suggest you do go read that blog post and then come back to this post to continue reading so you’re not so confused.
Now, to continue with what this post is about….
As you all should know, I’m autistic! I also have ADHD! I struggle tremendously with executive function. I’ll go more into details on a different upcoming blog post but to keep it short and simple, I have a hard time getting things done. It’s really hard to shift my focus on to a task when I have soooo many tasks to complete. I’m easily overwhelmed and then nothing gets done. Another thing that also tends to interfere with me getting things done is having children. I have a 6 year old autistic son and a 19 month old daughter possibly also autistic. She has an evaluation coming up real soon.
My daughter tends to want the most attention from me when I’m trying to be productive. She’s extremely clingy and has separation anxiety. I’m in the process of trying to wean her off the breast due to some feeding issues and weight issues which now resulted in her needing feeding therapy weekly.
I’ve had a bunch of doctors appointments which I haven’t been able to keep up with all because once I feel like there’s too many close together, I just start cancelling some of them. Then I forget to reschedule and then I just sit here feeling like a failure. Both my children have appointments as well that needs to be prioritized so mine gets cancelled if they overlap. I also need to work around my husbands schedule because he also has several appointments. He drives, I don’t!
Even though I haven’t been focused on my blog, I have been on TikTok posting content. I haven’t been 100% consistent there either but what motivated me was the fact that a few of my videos blew up and I felt like it was the perfect platform to thrive from and also drive them all to my blog site when I start posting here consistently. I’m building up my followers on there which is currently at 7,835 followers. If you’d like to follow me on there, click here.
I’ve been so burnt out for a while now. I want to be completely honest with you and tell you that around the month of April, I started self harming again. It was just one time and I’ve been able to maintain control since then but I’ve been spiraling really bad emotionally since June. I have high support needs that tends to fluctuate on a daily basis which makes me very unpredictable. I spent my whole childhood masking my autistic traits because my family saw it as me ‘attention seeking”. I was never given the tools that I needed to thrive. Now as an adult, I’m struggling with my own identity as an autistic person and trying to figure out who I am and what works best for me. I’m learning more and more about myself each day but I feel so far behind because I really don’t know the real me since I’ve had to suppress the real me for so long. Now that I’ve started to unmask, I have this constant feeling of being a burden to everyone around me because I’m “too needy”, I’ve been trying to make sense of everything and trying to connect the dots but nothing really makes sense.
I’ve been experiencing shutdowns where I dissociate and I have also had non verbal episodes. I shutdown because it’s easier for everyone around me when I’m not having a full blown meltdown. The more meltdowns I suppress, the more shutdowns I experience. Then I feel so helpful not being able to help myself get through it fast enough. I’ve noticed I’ve been running off to a dim room more often. I have a sensory lamp that satisfies my visual and auditory sensory needs when I’m overstimulated. A really great friend I met on TikTok, bought me a bunch of things off my Amazon wish list. One of the biggest things that she bought me was a sensory swing. That swing has been the biggest reason why I’ve been able to stop myself from self harming some more. It provides the deep pressure and compression that I need to release stress that I just bottle up inside every day. It’s such a blessing to have this major accommodation and I’m thankful for my husband who put it up for me in my craft room.
I’ve been working on myself and trying to focus on my special interests to keep my mind busy. I’ve been coming up with new ideas for my website and can’t wait to show you everything I’ve been working on. For those who don’t know, I have my own fashion and art business. I’m currently working on a autism jewelry line. I already launched my first piece. TikTok was the first platform to see it.
I have a lot more to say and everyone who knows me, knows I can info dump all day. So this is where I’ll end this blog post. But before I end it, I want to say that I think I’ve come up with an effective way to post consistently on here. I’m going to try and type out a bunch of blog posts at once but have it scheduled to post whenever I want it to post. Which right now I’m only going to try to commit to once a week. A post will be published every Wednesday at 9 am EST. If I see things are going well and that I have enough energy to keep up that pace, I’ll then shoot for twice a week and see how that goes. I need all of you to wish me luck and send me positive vibes. I need the motivation. Thanks for reading this post and can’t wait to post again. I appreciate everyone’s support while I navigate my way through this autistic burnout that seems never ending. Bye now! ….. Before I continue to info dump and then can’t stop.