Jessica’s Blog

What it’s like being autistic and married to an allistic

Picture of my husband and I underneath the sun shining down on us

For those of you who don’t know what the term allistic means, it’s simply a non autistic person. I use that term because my husband is considered neurodivergent so therefore he’s not neurotypical. He just isn’t autistic. I won’t disclose his neurotype on here because I want to respect his privacy as it’s not my place to tell his story. He will do so whenever he is ready.

At this time I’m typing this blog, we’ve been married for 4 years and together for a total of 9 1/2 years. It really has been a crazy ride for us filled with ups and downs. When we first got together, I did not disclose my autism diagnosis right away. I didn’t want him to think I’m too weird and then lose interest in me. I did however mention it at some point within the first year together very briefly but he never asked me to elaborate so I didn’t push it either. I felt like as long as he was just aware of it and made that informed decision to continue on with this relationship, then all was good. This is why autism awareness does nothing for autistic people. You can be aware of it but if you don’t learn about it and accept it, then it’s a dead end.

He had already spent time with me so he didn’t really think me being autistic would change anything. It was more like an “oh ok, cool”, and that was it. He didn’t know much about autism and had only knew one other person who was autistic, which was one of his family members.

His lack of knowledge really made things complicated. I can’t understand social cues so that made friendships and relationships hard for me. He used to send me flirtatious messages and I didn’t understand I needed to reciprocate so instead I would reply with “I miss you”. When I didn’t know what to say, that’s what I replied with as a way to keep the conversation going. I’m not really great with back and forth conversations. I’m sure he was very confused but he never questioned it. Being with him long enough, I eventually did pick up on how to respond to him and now he can’t handle it, haha.

When we first moved in together, he couldn’t tolerate some of my sensory seeking behaviors. Over time he got used to most of it and now just lets me do my thing.

Sometimes it’s really hard to communicate with him because I see things from my perspective and he has his own perspective on things but can’t seem to reach my level. He often doesn’t understand that I feel emotions on a much deeper level than a allistic person and I can’t regulate it. I also tend to come off as needy and he doesn’t always understand why I need constant attention. Sometimes I feel rejected by him and then I internalize that and feel like the marriage is falling apart. We’ve managed to pull through every obstacle so far which is great.

If I had to say what our biggest struggle is, I’d have to say communication. I often need things explained to me in explicit details or I can’t visualize whats being said and it doesn’t get processed in my brain. Him not specifying enough details often results in me not performing the task he asked me to do correctly or at all. He has gotten upset over it which overwhelms me. I’m always feeling like I’m performing wrong even when I’m not.

I’m also always stressed about the subtexts in conversations. I don’t understand it very well and would rather things be explained in a more direct way, no beating around the bush.

Another point I want to touch on is my sensory needs. I’m typically a sensory seeker so I don’t mind touch as long as I’m not overstimulated and feeling touched out. I crave affection from him and deep pressure from his weight on top of me. I crave skin to skin and being caressed and loved physically. My love language is physical touch. I often feel as though he sees affection as a chore and often resists. Usually when I try to explain how it makes me feel, it seems he has a hard time understanding and may say hurtful things without thinking. I completely understand that it’s almost impossible for an allistic person to understand every aspect of my needs as an autistic person but I also don’t want to be invalidated for it because this is my reality.

Aside from all the struggles, we have many many happy moments. I can go on and on about all our memories and show all the pictures we took over the years but it’s too much for you all.

When he’s not in a irritable mood, he’s very loving and sweet. He’s very quick to come to my defense when someone else upsets me. And on a good day, he can be more affectionate. He’s still learning and growing and I hope that we only continue to grow closer. He has definitely come a long way from when we first got together and I’m very proud of all his improvements and his eagerness to learn more about what would accommodate me so I can live a happier life. He’s watched me at my best moments and he’s also seen my worst from severe meltdowns to intense autistic burnout and going non verbal. I’m sure that’s a lot for him to take in and he has to be strong and keep it together for me. It’s a hard task but he chose to ride it out with me until death do us part. I love him so much and want nothing more than to be with him forever.

If you’re interested, I posted a Autism Q&A Spouse Edition video on YouTube linked below if you would like to listen to my husbands perspective

https://youtu.be/4-0p5HKxf3M

What it’s like being autistic and becoming a mother

I know a lot of my followers have been looking forward to this blog post for a while now and I’m so happy I was able to get to it for you. In this post I’ll be talking about being autistic and pregnant and my transition to motherhood. I think it’s very important I talk about this because even though I was able to mask almost every external autistic trait about me, I still couldn’t unfeel the internal part. My loved ones may not know the whole extent due to me masking and I’m sure they would love to know my perspective on things.

I got pregnant with my first child back in July 2014. At the time, I didn’t even know it was possible for me to get pregnant in the first place. My doctors told me I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and even though it was still possible to get pregnant, they made it seem like it would take a long time to conceive. We weren’t planning to have a baby just yet as that was my first month living with my then fiance (now husband). So to have ended up pregnant in less then a month without even trying was such a shock to me. My mom and husband seemed to know I was pregnant before I even knew. I decided to take a test and sure enough, it came back positive. I sometimes do see double so I thought it was just my vision messing with me so I sent a picture to my best friend at the time and she confirmed it was a positive test. I was so happy but also scared at the same time.

My second child was planned but it took us almost a year to conceive her. Much longer than me fast unplanned firstborn. I started to lose hope and figured we would never have another child together. I did end up pregnant in May 2019 but unfortunately it ended as a miscarriage. I ended up pregnant again shortly after with my rainbow baby. It was bittersweet having to grieve the baby I lost all while feeling blessed and ecstatic about the new baby I was carrying.

I had some complications during the pregnancies that were completely unrelated to my autism. It was more medical related, like increased asthma attacks, seizures and fainting. As far as the sensory processing aspect, I feel like it amplified all the normal pregnancy discomforts. Pregnancy hormones combined with sensory processing issues is such a struggle. My emotional dysregulation was more intense during my pregnancies. With my first, I was excessively emotional and with my second, I was excessively irritable. Naps was my best friend and fulfilling my cravings were very crucial to keeping me content. I did enjoy the baby movements and really felt deeply connected to both my babies from the moment I realized they were in my belly. With my second, I was more hypervigilant and paranoid in fear of losing her too. I wasn’t able to calm my nerves down. I really fixated on keeping up with the movements and even made trips to the hospital every time I had a scare just for peace of mind. The miscarriage really affected me emotionally. I was so afraid!

I ended up with really bad postpartum depression after both babies. That alone was difficult to manage. I definitely feel like the amount of masking I had to do most likely contributed to the extent of my depression. All my meltdowns had to be suppressed to make sure I don’t injure myself and the babies in my belly. I had to try so hard to contain my emotions that I couldn’t even regulate because I needed to keep stress levels low. I honestly suppressed a lot of my stimming as well because I didn’t want the doctors to assume I’m mentally unstable and then I end up with my babies taken away from me. I’m living in a world where autism is not accepted as it should be and a lot of people assume autistic people are incapable of functioning. I shouldn’t have to fear losing my babies just because of my different neurotype. Some may feel I was just overthinking, but unless you’ve tried living life being autistic, then you can’t possibly understand all the struggles, stereotypes and stigmas that are attached to being autistic. There’s organizations that literally want to eradicate autistic people so I highly doubt they would be happy if we’re happily living life and procreating and possibly passing down autism to our children since it is genetic.

As a mother, I’d say I’m actually very patient despite people’s assumptions of autistic mothers. I’m not perfect though. I do have many days where I run and hide in a dark room where I have little to no sensory input. I get overstimulated very easy but I have never been a danger to my kids under any circumstances. I’ve always been able to make sure the kids are in a safe place where they won’t get hurt or where I can see them from a distance and take my break as needed. I still find myself suppressing meltdowns because I can’t always make sure the kids are distracted and away from me and my main priority is to keep my kids safe. I have many coping skills to offset some of my bottled up emotions. Those coping skills are my special interests which I’ll talk about in another blog post.

One of the biggest reasons I started to unmask my autism is because both my kids were diagnosed with autism as well. I don’t want them to feel like they need to mask who they are to please people around them. I have to set a good example for them so I had to go out of my comfort zone and find my true self again and be her which was very difficult since I’ve masked for so many years. I’ve noticed I’m much happier when I allow myself to be myself without holding anything back. It feels so great to see my kids be themselves while watching me do the same. While in the process of finding myself and unmasking, I learned all about which accommodations work best for me in order to live a more effective and functional life. I purchased a bunch of stim toys to play with to counteract all the triggering sensory input. I also have noise cancelling earplugs when I need to block out the sensory input from noise as I’m very sensitive to it. If I’m too touched out, I ask my husband to take over for a few minutes and I’ll take a break. Now I have a sensory swing I like to cocoon myself in which has been tremendously helpful for me. With the right accommodations specific to my support needs, I’m able to function with very little issues. I have good days and I have bad days and that’s ok. I’m a great mother and my kids adore me. I have a very deep connection with them that no one else has. I feel since I’m autistic and so are they, there’s no better place for them to be than with me. I understand exactly what they need to thrive. It’s my job to pave a positive and healthy future for them and I feel like for the most part I’ve done an outstanding job. I still have a lot to learn but we can all learn together.

As I continue my autism journey trying to find myself, I hope my kids NEVER lose themselves. I hope to someday completely be unmasked. That’s still a work in progress but I’m getting there little by little.

The next blog post I’ll be talking about what it’s like being autistic and married to a non autistic person so stay tuned.

Autism & Functioning Labels

This is a blog post I’ve been looking forward to posting as it seems quite a few people in my circle are still misinformed. In this post, I’ll be talking about functioning labels and the term Aspergers and the history of it.

Functioning labels are very harmful and very inaccurate. When people hear high functioning, they assume that person functions well with no obstacles or struggles. When people hear low functioning, they assume that person can’t function enough to be a part of society. Let me explain why that’s a very harmful perspective. I’m what others would see as “high functioning”. You assume I’m fine right? Well, I’m not!

High functioning is associated with the term Asperger’s syndrome which is no longer recognized in the DSM-5. Aspergers was a high functioning form of autism in the past. It was removed back in 2013 and is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder. To be considered high functioning, you have to be verbal and you have to have an IQ of at least average or above average. If you really think about it, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? People assume I’m able to function just because I can talk and my IQ is average. As if talking is the only way to function well. Then someone who is considered low functioning, who may not have high support needs but can’t talk is infantilized. Their independence gets stripped away from them. Caregivers want to baby them because they’re “low functioning”. Then they have the audacity to be shocked when they notice that person doing something they never saw them do before when they could probably do a whole lot more if given the opportunity.

I have high support needs but because I can talk 98% of the time, I’m not seen as severe so therefore never was able to get the help I needed. It’s not fair that I was denied services just because I’m verbal.

People think that the autism spectrum is a linear line that ranges from less autistic and more autistic. That’s not how the spectrum works. Here is a picture that perfectly illustrates what the autism spectrum can look like.

Image is from Autism_sketches on Instagram

The terms high and low functioning and Aspergers are all outdated. It’s outdated for a reason. Let me tell you the history of Asperger’s syndrome.

Asperger’s syndrome was first recognized back in the time of the Holocaust by Hans Asperger. He saw some autistic traits and difficulties with social and communication skills in some children who had normal intelligence and language development. He fought to save the high functioning children and put them to work while the low functioning were killed. I personally do not want to be attached to such a horrific history by associating myself with Asperger’s syndrome. It’s very ableist! Now autism, Asperger’s and other pervasive developmental disorders are under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder. In my opinion, that’s one step in the right direction but there’s still a lot of work to be done in order for all autistic people to feel included and accommodated.

We need to normalize just asking what that autistic persons specific needs and accommodations are without making them feel like they’re less or more deserving than the next autistic person. Gate keeping is wrong and disgusting and I feel sick to my stomach when people in my circle undermine my struggles. When I tell people I’m autistic, some reply with “oh Asperger’s…”. NO, I’m autistic, that’s it! I’m not “better off” than the next autistic person who is non verbal just because I’m verbal (which I do have non verbal episodes when I’m severely overstimulated and not able to regulate it). And they’re not less fortunate just because they can’t talk. With the right accommodations, all autistic people can thrive and be happy. So please don’t ask me or other autistic people if we’re high or low functioning. It doesn’t help us at all. Ask us what can you do to help us.

I can’t stand when autism moms/dads attack me on social media talking about “you don’t speak for my low functioning autistic child”. To be quite honest, I do speak for the entire autistic community. No, your child can’t speak, but if you listen to what I have to say as an autistic person, you may just learn something new and find ways to better help your child who can’t tell you what their needs are. Stop trying to talk over us! What better way to learn about autism than to hear about it from an actual autistic person? I’m speaking from my own personal experience. I’m autistic! You can try to break it down into a functioning label or an outdated diagnosis, but just know that you’re doing so much harm by doing that. I really hope someone was able to retain the information from this post and learned something new. If you’re in my circle, please stop saying the words Asperger’s and high/low functioning around me. It’s very triggering for me and honestly disrespectful. I do have my struggles and I have high support needs that I wish were accommodated a long time ago. Don’t downplay my struggles!

Executive Dysfunction | I’m Not Lazy!!!!

Hey everyone! I hope this blog post finds you all doing well. Last week I published a blog post talking about why I haven’t been posting anything. I also mentioned that one of my next posts was going to be about executive function so here it is… the topic a lot of you have been waiting for.

I’ll start out by explaining exactly what executive function is. Executive function is the cognitive processes that help regulate, control and manage our thoughts and actions. The aspects of executive function includes planning, problem solving, working memory, attention, verbal reasoning, initiation, self control, cognitive flexibility, and monitoring. Still confused? Let me elaborate and break it down for you, since that’s what helps me understand things better. Always be specific with me…

Planning

Planning is being able to think and come up with the order or steps of how a goal or task will be achieved. It’s the ability to compartmentalize tasks into completable sections which can be hard for some autistic people. I personally don’t struggle with this aspect. I’m a very deep thinker and over analyze everything which makes my planning very detail oriented.

Problem Solving

The ability to identify a problem and think of a strategy to solve the problem. Problem solving uses almost all the aspects of executive functions. So depending on which aspect you struggle with, it can affect your ability to effectively problem solve.

Working Memory

A lot of autistic people struggle with memory. My short term memory is completely off. I can script a whole movie or TV show or memorize a song after listening to a twice. But I can’t remember to eat when I’m supposed to or take my medications on time. I also struggle with memorizing tasks if there’s too many steps which then can lead to incompletion of the task.

Attention

Attention works hand in hand with working memory. I am able to focus very deeply on something but what I struggle with is shifting my focus on to whatever it needs to be on. Change is hard for me. If I’m in the middle of crafting, which is my biggest special interest, then it’s almost impossible to direct my focus on to chores or anything else. It’s also hard to keep my attention on something particular when I’m trying so hard to regulate all the sensory input around me. Things as simple as too much light or too much background noise at one time can be enough to distract me from a task that needs my full attention. Then I go into sensory overload which then completely shifts everything and then I spend the rest of the day trying to erase the bad input and replacing it with good input. If I wasn’t able to focus on something, then that information wasn’t retained which then means my short term memory won’t recall it at all.

Verbal Reasoning

It’s the ability to understand concepts presented in words and relay them back. This can be hard for me because I do not do well with verbal or social cues. I take things very literally which can hinder my ability to reason. I also have times I go non verbal under severe sensory overload so therefore can’t relay anything back verbally.

Initiation

Initiation is the ability to start a task. It has nothing to do with desire. I struggle with this heavily. I may want to do chores, play a game or run an errand. But unless the task is initiated by someone else, it doesn’t happen most of the time.

Self Control

The ability to have emotional, cognitive or physical reactions controlled in that moment. That’s very challenging for me because have a hard time regulating emotions and sensory input, which causes me to stim. If I end up overstimulated trying to download and process all the information, it can lead to outbursts or meltdowns. I can’t help it and sometimes my impulse control isn’t enough to participate in a structured situation.

Cognitive Function

It’s the ability to just go with the flow. Change is very hard for me. I can function best when there is predictability and routine.

Monitoring

So, let’s say you’re walking. Only small part of your brain is engaged in walking because you already know how to walk. The monitoring part of your brain kicks in and keeps you from bumping into things and walking right into traffic. When autistic people are overstimulated, their brains suddenly have issues with monitoring basic tasks which can lead to them unintentionally doing dangerous things.

It’s very important to understand that not all autistic people struggle with all the same aspects. Each individual has different struggles. Also, executive function issues isn’t even only an autistic struggle. People with ADHD and other conditions can also struggle with it. I’m only focused on autism specifically because I’m autistic and wanted to explain my personal experience.

My family used to always call me “lazy”. I really wish people could understand that I don’t intentionally do these things. I’m not lazy! Laziness is intentional. I actually want to do a task but I just can not initiate it myself without there being an external stimulus to prompt me. I want to focus but I simply can’t. I don’t purposely act without thinking or make careless mistakes when doing basic tasks. I simply have a hard time monitoring when I’m overstimulated. Now this doesn’t mean I can’t function at all. When I get the proper accommodations and assistance, I am able to function well. When I’m not overstimulated, I’m more likely to reach my full potential. Autism is not what disables me, it’s my environment. If we lived in a more sensory friendly world where everyone truly accepted autism and people accommodated all autistic people regardless of their level of support needs, then we wouldn’t have so many “deficits”.

I hope you learned something from this blog post. If you think you know someone who absolutely needs to read this, then please feel free to share this with them. We shouldn’t have to tolerate people putting us down for being “lazy” when laziness isn’t even what it is. The first step to acceptance is knowledge and being informed. Thank you for reading!

Autistic Burnout

Autistic burnout is intense physical and mental exhaustion. It can also be accompanied with loss of certain skills.

Having to navigate through a world that was only built for neurotypical people is very exhausting. Having to keep up with all the societies list of “norms” is very draining. Autistic people often end up masking their autistic traits which is very harmful.

Autistic burnout may look different from person to person. What you see in one autistic person; you may not see in another. As I mentioned above, it can be an intense physical exhaustion. It can also manifest as intense anxiety or emotional outbursts. It can be the inability to regulate emotions far more than usual. It can contribute to depression and suicidal behaviors. It can involve an increase of stimming (self regulating behaviors), increased sensitivity to sensory input and difficulty with changes. A lot of autistic people struggle with these things but when a burnout is happening, all these things can be amplified; making it seem like you’re regressing or much worse than usual.

Some autistic people lose their ability to speak during a burnout. Also, loss of executive function is common during a burnout as well. Executive function will be discussed in another blog.

Burnout can affect our thinking process and also affect our memory (which we already struggle with in general).

When I’m experiencing a burnout, I feel disconnected and disengaged from the rest of the world. I lose focus on the small things and can’t process my thoughts very well or my emotions. I tend to be very forgetful. But the forgetfulness also stems from the fact that when I’m told something, I’m most likely paying more attention to the sound of the electricity in the house; like the wind coming from the fan or the buzzing of the microwave. I can’t focus on too many sounds at once. It’s the increased sensitivity to sensory input that affects my ability to focus on conversation and information storing. I can’t process what you said if I hear the fridge. It’s a distraction. I struggle with these things on a daily basis but it’s 10 times worse during a burnout. People assume I’m not paying attention to them when I’m reality, I am. It’s just really hard for me to process too many different things at one time. I have lost my ability to speak during a burnout but it doesn’t happen every time I go through a burnout. My executive function is crap on a regular basis but it really goes down the toilet during a burnout.

The smallest things can be sensory overload for me during a burnout. Others around me don’t understand this and just brush it off.

Autistic burnout can last anywhere from a few hours to a few years for some autistic people. The main way to recover from burnout is to remove yourself from the situation that triggered it in the first place.

For me, it’s almost always caused by suppressing my emotions and meltdowns and other autistic traits in order to “keep the peace” around others who don’t understand me and so I’m not a burden to them. After so long, I don’t have the energy to continue to keep it all contained. It drains me to the point that it can be dangerous. I tend to physically lash out on myself by self harming and I also have attempted suicide before.

During these hard times, what I need is compassion and understanding. I may also need space and some alone time. I also need reassurance and not judgement. I’m trying as hard as I can but I can’t keep being sorry for who I am. I can’t keep apologizing for the way I am because I can’t help it and it’s not my problem people choose to not understand it.

I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been in this current burnout so far but I only hope I can regain my strength soon so I can get back to the real me.

If you read this blog post this far, thank you and I hope you’ve learned something new here. More posts will be up soon, I just need to save up the energy to type it all out. I just really felt like this topic needed to be discussed.

I Have Autism by Jessica Jenkins (Poem)

I posted this poem I wrote on my Facebook author page back in August but I feel like I should share it here with you all too

I Have Autism by Jessica Jenkins

I have autism

I avoid eye contact

But I frequently eye track

I struggle to learn and often get things twisted

But I’m also smart and extremely gifted

I sit still and stare blankly into space

But I also have a brain wired to make my thoughts race

Sometimes I’m too shy to speak and sometimes I speak too much

There’s days I can hug everyone but I also have days I hate being touched

Sometimes I get anxious and scared so I run and hide

And sometimes I don’t even mind being outside

Sometimes I’m sensitive to loud and high pitched noise

And sometimes I can’t even lower my voice

Sometimes I rock back and fourth

And sometimes it’s not enough and I slam some doors

Sometimes I rather be alone and pace

And sometimes I rather be tightly embraced

Sometimes I climb trees higher and higher

And sometimes I’m overstimulated and tired

Sometimes I scream and cry

And sometimes I head bang and people wonder why

Sometimes I’m calmly humming

And sometimes my fingers are annoyingly drumming

Sometimes I want fluffy blankets wrapped around me

And sometimes clothes make me feel like I can’t breathe

Sometimes I have no filter and can be mean

Autism can be very mysterious with no in betweens

I have autism

Final Kitten Update 💔

It’s been a couple days and I’ve been dreading this post. With a heavy heart, I’m letting you guys know that the kitten didn’t survive. I really tried so so hard. With every fiber of my being, I hoped he would thrive and grow to be a handsome (yes it’s a boy) orange tabby. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. We have come to a decision to cremate him and keep the ashes in a beautiful urn. We named him Pooh. And the urn will say “I tried to save you but God needed another angel”. I’ve been a complete wreck and was not expecting this horrific reality. I just hope that in the two days he was with us, he knew that he was loved.

A little memorial we set up for Pooh before we drove him to the animal hospital to set up cremation 🕯🐱

If you want to run to YouTube and watch the video about him, please feel free to do so. Here’s the link:

Thank you to everyone who prayed and wished us well because God only knows that I’m NOT ok.

I Saved a Kitten’s Life 👀🥰🐱

I didn’t think this would be what my first blog post would be about but this is something I just had to tell you guys about. So today, October 14th, 2020, my husband and I ran some errands while our son, Aidan was in school. He drove me to my moms because I had a 3pm therapy session and a 4pm psychiatrist appointment. When we got to my moms, my husband kissed me goodbye and left to pick up our son from school, so it was just me and our 9 month old daughter. I heard high pitched meowing. I assumed it was one of the 3 week old kittens that my moms cat, Luna had. I thought maybe one of them were caught up in something under the bed. Something told me to check, so I did. I looked under and they seemed fine but then I look over to the other cat, Booboo, and I see something moving. I thought maybe she stole Luna’s kittens again so I looked back at Luna and counted her babies and all 3 were accounted for. I looked back at Booboo a little harder and then it hit me that she had babies. I was shocked because no one was home to witness it. I tried to count how many kittens she had from a distance but couldn’t tell for sure. But there was one kitten that caught my eye and it was the one that was curled up alone and wasn’t moving. The rest were nursing and huddled together with mom. I moved the head board out of my way and reached down for that kitten. It was ice cold to the touch and for a second it made me jump back but then I quickly realized it needed some kind of intervention or it would die of hypothermia. I picked it up and wrapped it with a blanket and started huffing my warm breath to warm the kitten faster. He wasn’t moving or making any noise. At first I thought he was dead but I felt a faint heartbeat against my palm. I called my mom to ask her how far she was from home and to tell her what was going on. She was in disbelief just like I was. Meanwhile, my 9 month old daughter, MaKayla, was still in her car seat and started crying to get out. At that moment, I felt so overwhelmed because I was stuck between comforting my daughter and saving a dying kitten. I got ahold of myself and got back into focus. I took MaKayla out her car seat and breastfed her while I held the kitten in the blanket. He started to warm up and he started meowing and moving around slowly. The sound of him vocalizing was peaceful, beautiful music to my ears. At that moment, I knew he had a fighting chance and it was all because I was at the right place at the right time. My mom arrived and helped with MaKayla while I got Booboo and all her kittens out from under the bed. I was trying to see if the kitten would finally nurse but he was still a little too weak to latch on and Booboo didn’t seem to have an interest in the little runt of the litter. I tried to get another cat, Cleo, who recently delivered a stillborn kitten to try and nurse this kitten but she hissed and wanting nothing to do with it. I felt stuck and helpless. It was cutting close to my appointment time so I had to make a decision – either cancel my appointment or take the kitten with me. I took him with me because due to how overwhelmed I was, I figured therapy was a must so I could let out some steam. I ran up the hill pushing the stroller with one arm and holding the kitten in the other and arrived to my appointment 4 minutes late but it was all good. My therapist heard the whole story from me and was proud of me for my efforts in trying to save the kitten.

I had my therapist take a picture of me while holding my baby and the kitten

After my appointments, my husband was already waiting for me outside. We got MaKayla in the car and I hopped in and we took off to PetSmart so I can buy some kitten formula. I went in with the kitten and I asked these workers for help in finding the best formula. As I explained what happened, I started crying and they felt so bad. They helped me pick up the best stuff and then I paid, thanked them and went back to the car and we drove home. I filled up the bottle and tried to feed him but it didn’t seem like he was getting anything so we took a syringe and filled it and I fed him that way and he drank about 5ml’s. So far he’s doing alright and I hope that he continues to thrive and make me proud.

I weighed him and he’s 1.4 ounces which is really small. I’ll be weighing him every other day to check his progress and I will be feeding him every 3 hours. I’ll keep you all updated on his well-being. I hope to have good news for y’all. I hope and pray that he makes it and is healthy. We do plan on keeping him if he survives because I already got attached. Anyway, stay tuned for an update on this little fighter and for other blogs too. Thank you for reading this if you made it to the end. I hope y’all enjoying reading about this heart warming experience of mine.