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Number 2 Pencil by Jessica Jenkins | Poem

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It started with a number 2 pencil

8 year old me holding a handful

I was non verbal

But what you don’t know is;

I still had words

Words that l couldn’t speak but could visualize

Words that I tried to express on paper but nobody realized

I think in pictures

I drew cats that I encountered

Flowers that I gathered

And my favorite foods that I was after

Each drawing had a meaning

Each drawing had a hidden feeling

I wish I was heard from the start

But I’m glad I found my voice through my art

I have words now and I’m very grateful

And it all started with just a number 2 pencil

Being verbal doesn’t mean there’s zero communication deficits

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I was non verbal until the age of 10. But even after that, words were still hard to retrieve and I still have a hard time producing words, as well as processing verbal information. My brain doesn’t retain verbal information but I do very well with visuals. I’m a hybrid mouth speaker who experiences verbal shutdowns and am unable to speak so I’m a part time AAC user. I think in pictures and it’s hard to translate that into words so I mainly use my art as a form of communication even if others don’t understand it. I still communicate using immediate and delayed echolalia because I’m a gestalt language processor. And while it may not be so obvious to others around me, because I have learned to produce original sentences with my scripts, I still find that it creates a barrier when I’m trying to communicate with other people who don’t understand my scripts. These are some of my communication deficits that I can’t mask and have no control over. I want people to know that just because I’m verbal now, that doesn’t mean I have zero communication deficits. I want people to know that just because I’m verbal, that doesn’t mean I don’t need AAC to communicate. I also want people to know that just because I’m verbal, that doesn’t mean I’m high functioning. And while I can speak and use my words, that doesn’t mean I’m always able to self advocate. I do believe there’s a lot of misinformation circling around on social media that may be contributing to the lack of knowledge about autism and the different levels of communication deficits. There’s not enough representation of the true deficits that many autistic people have so I can’t really blame people who don’t know it because they don’t have exposure to it. I just really wish more people understood.

NEW SONG RELEASE: I Think in Pictures by Jessica Jenkins

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Download NOW!!!
https://social.tunecore.com/linkShare?linkid=Tq4xYNUJBtVujBJIuQ0aqg

As someone who is autistic and an artist, I really wanted to write a song that describes my experience with my communication deficits. I wanted to give a clear explanation for how my artistic abilities really manifested. My art isn’t just a talent. My art is deeply rooted within my experience as formerly being non verbal. Out of desperation to have a voice that took me 10 years to find, I started drawing my thoughts in hopes that it would be recognized as valid form of communication. I felt so much pressure to use my words even when I didn’t have access to it and even when I managed to get my thoughts on paper, nobody cared because I wasn’t using my words. “I Think in Pictures” conveys the struggles of not having words but having thoughts in the form of pictures and how the world still doesn’t have an understanding on how different someone like me communicates. I always tell people I can draw it better than I can tell you. When I can’t find the words, I have pictures in my head that I like to draw to express what I’m thinking. With this song, I’m hoping to offer a better understanding of this and a different perspective that for many years was so hard for me to put into words and I’m also trying to give little me the voice she never had. I really hope you all enjoy listening to my song. It’ll mean the world to me if you all download it and share it with your friends and family. This song means so much to me and I’m so proud of it. I also have another song coming out soon so keep a watch out for it.

Society has dimmed my shine

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I wanted to share with you what it’s like being autistic and also suffering with body dysmorphia

I hate my eyes but I’m not talking about the color. I’m talking the absence of sparkle. That sparkle was stolen by society that keeps telling me how I see the world is wrong.

I hate my smile because it’s a reminder of having to mask my happy flappy hands because society prefers quiet hands.

I hate the way I walk because society says it’s not “sexy” enough. I’m very clumsy and bump into things because I lack body awareness and I have poor posture.

I hate my body because society made me feel like my hanging belly, stretch marks and sagging breasts is ugly. I look in the mirror and pick apart everything and I cry because I’m disgusted.

I’ve spent all my life internalizing everything society sees as a flaw. But thinking about it on a deeper level, I now recognize that I actually don’t hate myself. I hate the person that I have become to protect who I really am. I hate that I’ve chosen to put myself down because it’s easier to tolerate hate from myself than to cry about the rest of the world hating me. I hate that I’ve had to mask a lot of my autistic traits so that I was protected from abuse. My fatal flaw is perfecting everything I do so the world has less of a reason to bully me.

As part of my self healing journey, I’m trying to find myself again and take back that power to love myself no matter what people think or how people feel about me.

I Have Autism by Jessica Jenkins (Poem)

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I posted this poem I wrote on my Facebook author page back in August but I feel like I should share it here with you all too

I Have Autism by Jessica Jenkins

I have autism

I avoid eye contact

But I frequently eye track

I struggle to learn and often get things twisted

But I’m also smart and extremely gifted

I sit still and stare blankly into space

But I also have a brain wired to make my thoughts race

Sometimes I’m too shy to speak and sometimes I speak too much

There’s days I can hug everyone but I also have days I hate being touched

Sometimes I get anxious and scared so I run and hide

And sometimes I don’t even mind being outside

Sometimes I’m sensitive to loud and high pitched noise

And sometimes I can’t even lower my voice

Sometimes I rock back and fourth

And sometimes it’s not enough and I slam some doors

Sometimes I rather be alone and pace

And sometimes I rather be tightly embraced

Sometimes I climb trees higher and higher

And sometimes I’m overstimulated and tired

Sometimes I scream and cry

And sometimes I head bang and people wonder why

Sometimes I’m calmly humming

And sometimes my fingers are annoyingly drumming

Sometimes I want fluffy blankets wrapped around me

And sometimes clothes make me feel like I can’t breathe

Sometimes I have no filter and can be mean

Autism can be very mysterious with no in betweens

I have autism

Final Kitten Update 💔

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It’s been a couple days and I’ve been dreading this post. With a heavy heart, I’m letting you guys know that the kitten didn’t survive. I really tried so so hard. With every fiber of my being, I hoped he would thrive and grow to be a handsome (yes it’s a boy) orange tabby. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. We have come to a decision to cremate him and keep the ashes in a beautiful urn. We named him Pooh. And the urn will say “I tried to save you but God needed another angel”. I’ve been a complete wreck and was not expecting this horrific reality. I just hope that in the two days he was with us, he knew that he was loved.

A little memorial we set up for Pooh before we drove him to the animal hospital to set up cremation 🕯🐱

If you want to run to YouTube and watch the video about him, please feel free to do so. Here’s the link:

https://youtu.be/aELhnU2IiKY

Thank you to everyone who prayed and wished us well because God only knows that I’m NOT ok.